U.S. invades Canada, detains student
and an interview with Donald Trump
United States declares war on Canada
Frustrated by Canada’s refusal to roll over in his trade war, President Trump declared war on the America’s northerly neighbor after concluding it would be a more cost-effective way to import Lululemon yoga pants for Ivanka.
In an Oval Office address, Trump accused Canada of blocking the United States from accessing Alaska, which he claimed was very unfair to Sarah Palin.
U.S. troops invading Toronto were met with Mounties apologizing for having smaller guns than American soldiers.
After the U.S. quickly achieved military victory and started occupying Toronto, Canadians regrouped to fight back through guerilla warfare.
Across Canada, ordinary citizens took matters into their own hands by pouring steaming poutine onto American soldiers.
Canadians tricked the U.S. military into depleting their own ranks by taunting American soldiers about Canada’s superiority at hockey.
Incensed American soldiers fought back by saying that hockey is Canada’s national pastime, but the U.S. is better at America’s national pastime: shooting each other, and then proceeded to prove this point.
Ultimately, ignorance proved to be America’s undoing in Canada. U.S. soldiers demanding to see Canada’s leader were told his name is Tim Horton, which led to a 6-hour wild goose chase across Toronto from one location to another.
After 3 days, Canadians achieved victory by re-labeling road signs for U.S. border cities, allowing the invading Americans to see themselves out.
Strong reactions to ICE detention of protest leader
U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement has detained Mahmoud Khalil, the pro-Palestinian activist who led BDS protests at Columbia University last year.
Khalil - a lawful permanent resident - is being detained in Louisiana while the U.S. seeks to deport him. His arrest and deportation has triggered a strong wave of reactions from politicians and commentators alike:
Interview: President Donald Trump
FB: President Trump, what 5 things did you accomplish this week?
DT: Well, many people have said that nobody has accomplished so much in a week. The last person who achieved this much in a week was myself, last week.
We won so much this week. I met the Irish Prime Minister - he wasn’t a leprechaun, can you believe it? But he ate a leprechaun, that’s how he got so tall.
We caught a foreign immigrant terrorist at Columbia and also fought domestic economic terrorists by buying a Tesla Model 3.
I thought Model 3 meant that it came with 3 underwear models on the backseats. But Elon told me that he’s no Epstein, and that’s not his line of work.
FB: You bought an electric vehicle? I thought you were opposed to such things.
DT: Many people have been unfair to Elon claiming that his efforts are cutting hurting society’s most vulnerable. Fake news!
Oligarchs are society’s most vulnerable population as there are only a handful of us. Elon is particularly vulnerable after Tesla’s stock price took a hit this week.
So to help a brother out, I bought a Tesla. It was so fast. Many people are saying its the fastest thing they’ve seen since I left Marla Maples for Melania.
A new Tesla Model 3 can be yours for just $599/month.
FB: Mr. President, are you trying to sell me a car in this interview?
DT: I’m trying to boost our great American economy. You can go from 0-60 in 2.9 seconds and it’s self driving - it takes care of itself, you don’t need to do anything. That’s why I called my car Tiffany.
The battery comes with an 8-year, 250k mile warranty - its unbelievable. Say thank you!
FB: Thank you? I’m not buying a Tesla.
DT: Well then are you in the market for some minerals? Ukraine has some of the finest minerals in the world: uranium, lithium, manganese - they got ‘em all, believe me.
Since I love making deals, I can get you a great price on your minerals of choice. But you must pay me $Trump cryptocurrency.
FB: I’m not in the market for minerals sir.
DT: Sure - but you must be in the market for real estate. Everybody needs some real estate.
Let me tell you there’s some prime real estate in the Donbas region of Ukraine.
FB: Sir - I’m not seeking to buy Ukrainian real estate. And you can’t sell Ukrainian land, it’s a gross violation of Ukranian sovereignty.
DT: Not interested in real estate? What are you? A Palestinian?
3 things to look for next week
Prince Harry joints pro-Palestine protest in order to get deported
Chuck Schumer admits that Trump is a fascist but says he’s a good fascist
Meghan Markle bonds with Trump at a meeting of Narcissists Anonymous