Trump makes bold moves, Dems wilt
and an interview with Meghan Markle
Trump launches trade war with neighboring countries…sort of
After announcing 25% tariffs on imports from Canada and Mexico, President Trump signed an order significantly expanding the goods exempted from his these tariffs.
Trump initially announced these tariffs after claiming that the U.S.’ neighbors did not do enough to stop fentanyl from entering the country.
Before Trump’s last minute exemption, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau responded by slapping a reciprocal 25% tariff on U.S. exports to Canada.
News of these tariffs was lamented across the U.S., as it’s now 25% dearer to smuggle Americans seeking free healthcare and affordable drugs into Canada inside Amazon packaging.
Canadians responded to Trump’s tariffs by canceling their Netflix subscriptions. Ironically, this resulted in a bevy of tweets from Canadians thanking Trump for sparing them from Meghan Markle’s new Netflix series With Love, Meghan.
Without American content, Canadians are relegated to watching popular Canadian shows such as Global News at 5, Global News at 6 and Global News at 11.
News of Canadians canceling Netflix was met with dismay by PM Trudeau as a lack of access to American content will make it harder for Canadians to feel smug about living in a functioning society.
Angered by the trade war, some Canadians have taken matters into their own hands by placing posters about the superiority of Canadian bears on Americans’ windshields and attempting to glue American visitors’ cars to the floor with maple syrup.
Justin Trudeau fears that Trump’s trade war is designed to weaken the Canadian economy to make it easier for the U.S. to annex Canada.
Given the superiority of the U.S. military, Trudeau believes that Canada’s best defense is explaining how parliamentary politics works to Trump.
In Los Angeles, news of the trade war was met with shrieks and screams by trophy wives who incorrectly concluded that they would have to pay 25% more for Mexican labor.
Girls across the San Fernando Valley took to Instagram to complain how it isn’t fair that it will cost 25% more to have their hair and nails done.
Beyond North America, Trump is planning tariffs on the European Union. This may be a self-defeating move as it will make it costlier for Trump to import his next Eastern European wife.
Democrats protest being thought of as an opposition party
At President Trump’s speech before a joint session of Congress, Democrats staged a truly radical protest by dressing in pink and holding up signs.
Although the protest was thought to be against the president, it was later revealed that Democrat politicians were protesting voter expectations that they function as an opposition party.
In fact, in a hot mic moment Nancy Pelosi was heard saying “Don’t voters know how oligarchy works?
I go to work every day to secure my retirement and pay for my botox. Why can’t voters focus on doing the same?
We have to explain the meaning of virtue signaling to our voters before Trump inevitably shuts down the Department of Education.
I’m buying a bunch of private schools by the way. Enrolment and therefore valuations will skyrocket once Trump shuts down Education. How do you say ker-ching in Spanish?”
Pelosi was referring to Trump’s executive order to close the U.S. Department of Education, ostensibly to give more control over education to the states.
However, rumors persist that Trump wants to eliminate the Department of Education to prevent future Democrats from learning how to communicate with voters, and to make it easier for states to teach kids that oligarchy is good.
Outside the Capitol, Democrat voters staged their own protest against party leadership for being so feckless.
Voters drafted a petition to replace Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jefferies with a pair of scissors because that way the party could have a cutting edge.
Interview with Meghan Markle
FB: Ms. Markle, congratulations on the launch of your new Netflix show
MM: Excuse me. It’s Meghan Sussex now. Please get it right. It’s not that hard.
FB: Yes of course, Meghan Sussex. But, have you even been to Sussex?
MM: How dare you! I went to Sussex many times attending summer parties in the Hamptons.
FB: Actually the Hamptons are in Suffolk County on Long Island, New York. Sussex is a county in South England, and is where Gatwick Airport is located.
MM: I’ve never flown in or out of Gatwick. Their private jet hangar was too small and crowded.
When I go to London, Haz and I fly our PJ into Biggin Hill airport. It’s a more down to earth airport because its in South London, which as you know is the poorer side of the city.
FB: How do you respond to the claim that Queen Elizabeth II gave you the title Duchess of Sussex because she found you to be a little sus?
MM: Her Majesty was delightful and always treated us with love, which is the name of my new show on Netflix that I thought you were interviewing me about?
FB: Yes of course. How did you decide the celebrities that would appear on your show?
MM: Well I wanted to make sure that I seem relatable, especially because I’m a mom now. So the people I chose have the same down to earth appeal that I do.
For example, Mindy Kaling is another woman of color, is a mother and is very humble about how wealthy she is.
FB: What makes her humble?
MM: Nobody knows who her baby daddy is. That’s an approach straight outta Compton. Girl keeps it real.
3 things to look for next week
IRS is abolished so that Americans can pay taxes directly to Elon Musk
Trump prepares for war with China by stockpiling Big Macs
Meghan Markle sues Instagram as Kate Middleton has more followers