Trump inauguration speech leaked
As Washington prepares for the second inauguration of Donald J Trump, the once and future president’s inauguration speech has been leaked. Here’s an excerpt from the speech:
My fellow Americans - our long national nightmare is finally over. Joe Biden has exited the White House and has been admitted to Sunrise Senior Living in Dover, Delaware, where he should have been since 1988.
Can someone please wake up Sleepy Joe and tell him this is what a real president looks like? Sleepy Joe Biden was so crooked. Not only did he pardon his stupid son Hunter, his entire presidency was free advertising for Melatonin.
I knew Joe was stupid when I heard him name his son Hunter. That’s not a name, it’s a rank in a caveman society. But thankfully we no longer have to be governed by Sleepy Joe because I’m the captain now. Look at me. I’m the captain.
That was a reference to the 2013 film Captain Phillips. It was a great movie that highlighted how amazing, brave and precise our wonderful U.S. military is. As president, I will always put our military first. As in I will first deploy the military to invade Greenland.
The Demonic Democrats ruined our country, leaving us with $37 trillion in debt. Buying Greenland provides us with the resources to help our country win. It is called Greenland because it is built on greenbacks. We can drill baby drill in Greenland to mine greenbacks from their soil. The dollar deposits we find can be used to buy some bitcoins and pay down our debt. I know a lot about debt, believe me.
The term ‘Demonic Democrats’ has been copyrighted by yours truly. Anyone using this term will owe Trump lots of money. Also, using this term will be mandatory for reporters of state media: NPR, PBS, C-SPAN, Fox News, MSNBC and CNN.
The military will also be deployed to deport the invading immigrants who are terrorizing our country. But my administration will always welcome legal immigration. That’s why all applicants to the Miss Universe pageant will be given a green card, and a job as a masseuse at Mar-A-Lago.
But we have no choice but to deport the migrant criminals and thugs that are eating the dogs and eating the cats of real Americans in places like Idaho, Montana and New Hampshire.
That’s why I will be awarding a $1 trillion contract to PetX - a startup led by Elon Musk - to use genetic engineering technology to create giant dogs and giant cats that will eat the migrants who eat Americans’ pets.
These giant dogs and cats will also be used to invade Canada in 2027 and will be directed only by my whistling; giving an entirely new meaning to the term ‘Trump dog whistle’.
To the future Americans currently residing in the temporarily sovereign state of Canada, know that we welcome you to our Union. We are excited to rename British Columbia to American Columbia.
We will also rename the Atlantic Ocean which was named after the Greek figure Atlas. But Greeks are the worst. Their food is overrated, their alphabet is weird and Arianna Huffington and George Stephanopoulos are fake news proprietors.
So we will rename the Atlantic Ocean to the American Ocean. And we will also rename the Pacific Ocean to the American Ocean because it would be unpatriotic not to.
Additionally, the Indian Ocean will be renamed as the American Ocean. The Indians I know like Usha Vance are American so American Ocean is a more appropriate name.
Finally the Southern Ocean is named after famed Southern hospitality. But to make this ocean’s connection to America stronger, it will also be renamed the American Ocean.
Since we are in the process of renaming things, the soon to be former Canadian Prime Minister will be renamed Justine and given the pronouns she/her to help her be consistent with her woke agenda. And British Prime Minister Keir Starmer will be renamed Flat White because that’s what he is.
To free the British people from the tyranny of his government, and to avenge the British invasion that America endured, we will annex the United Kingdom and make it the 52nd state. It will be a tremendous honor for me to wear the crown of the United Kingdom and for Melania to wear the Kohi-Noor diamond.
Finally, many people have said that Trump will pursue a campaign of vengeance and retribution. But I will not do this. With a few exceptions of course. Barack Obama will be deported to Kenya or Nambia - his choice.
Hillary Clinton will be deported to an insane asylum - long overdue. To help their marriage, Bill Clinton will be deported to a Vegas brothel. And since she loves insider trading so much, Nancy Pelosi will be imprisoned in a bank vault in Switzerland.
For my political opponents Kamala Harris and Tim Walz, I have a gift. Kamala, you will be sent to finishing school so that you can learn how to laugh and pronounce your own name properly. It’s ‘Cam-Er-Lunatic’ - I really shouldn’t have to teach it to you.
And Tim Walz you will be enrolled in our mighty U.S. military to counter the emasculation you suffered at the hands of Kamala.
Prince Harry will be deported too. Not because he lied on his immigration forms about his drug use. But because he sucks. Weaponizing victimhood for personal and political gain was copyrighted by Trump long ago. So long Harry - your teeth were never straight enough to live in the United States anyway.
My fellow Americans, this day will forever be known as the dawn of a new era of American energy, prosperity, dynamism and progress. Nobody will outdo us. Our oligarchy will be better than Russia’s. Our debt to GDP ratio will be bigger than Greece.
Our schools will be the most fortified in the world, they will be more secure than prisons. Barbed wire will ensure our kids are safe in school.
The fall in our life expectancy will be faster than ever before. And the average age of people in Congress will hit an all time high, as will the stock market.
Our minimum wage will be like our taxes: lowered.
Together we will make America great again, again.
3 things to look for next week
Jim Cramer buys Israeli stocks because he’s convinced the ceasefire will last
Meghan Markle sues Kamala Harris for trying to out-victim her
Stephen Miller is appointed as a contributor on MSNBC
The Trump Inauguration is a corporate coronation & a corporate celebration of owning America
đŸ˜‚