New Avengers movie in the works
and interview with Mark Zuckerberg
Kamala Harris signs with CAA
Former Vice President Kamala Harris has become a client of Hollywood mega-agency CAA. She joins Joe Biden, Antony Blinken, Barack Obama and Michelle Obama as CAA clients.
Now that CAA has signed five high profile Democrats, the agency is negotiating with Disney to reboot the Avengers franchise.
CAA is proposing a new Avengers movie (working title Avengers: Neo-neoliberalism) to help Democrat politicians launder their reputations as people who can save the world.
Uniting against the grave threat of Palestinian statehood, a higher minimum wage, universal healthcare, affordable housing and education, paid time off and parental leave, these Avengers take on the real enemy: Bernie Sanders and AOC for misleading Americans into thinking that their tax dollars should serve them.
In a plot twist, it is revealed that the Avengers unite with Thanos (played by Elon Musk) after realizing that their neoliberal policies helped create Thanos in the first place.
In particular, Antony Blinken concludes that helping Thanos gather all the Infinity Stones will be a more efficient way of achieving his ethnic cleansing goals in Gaza.
Initally, Barack Obama opposes helping Thanos because the Infinity Stones allow Thanos to kill people more efficiently than his drone strikes.
However, Michelle convinces him to support Thanos’ mission to gather all the Infinity Stones on the condition that he doesn’t kill any Americans.
Rather, the Obamas hope that Thanos will use the Infinity Stones to eliminate Americans’ demands for affordable housing and safe schools so that this energy can be redirected into buying more Obama books and watching more Obama content on Netflix.
Joe Biden and Kamala Harris also support Thanos’ efforts to accumulate all the Infinity Stones as they think this will help kill Americans’ opposition to funding unwinnable overseas wars.
Garland announces lawsuits after Bolsonaro charged with coup attempt
Former United States Attorney General Merrick Garland has announced a series of lawsuits after Brazil charged its former president Jair Bolsonaro with leading a coup attempt.
Garland is suing the Associated Press, NBC News, The New York Times and other media outlets for reporting that Bolsonaro has been charged, alleging that these news organizations are publishing fake news.
“Everyone knows that its legally impossible to charge a former president because it would risk dividing the country and upsetting Jesse Watters.
My friends at CAA tell me that I could have risked my future earnings and potential appearances on Fox News had I charged former President Trump with attempting a coup for his actions on and leading up to January 6, 2021”
Garland is also individually suing Mehdi Hasan, founder of new media outlet Zeteo for alleging that he should have charged Trump with a coup attempt.
“Mehdi has smeared me by asserting that I took no meaningful action to hold Trump accountable for January 6 while in office as Attorney General.
This is an entirely false characterization that overlooks the concrete action I took by taking a trip to Kyiv to show support for Ukraine, despite having no jurisdiction outside the United States”
Garland was joined by his fellow CAA clients Kamala Harris and Joe Biden in suing Brazil’s Attorney General for bringing these charges against Jair Bolsonaro.
In a joint statement, Biden, Harris and Garland said that “Brazil is upending long-established (since 2021) American norms and undermining our constitution’s unitary executive theory by trying to hold those who attempt coups accountable for their actions.
These egregious charges are transparently un-American. We recommend President Trump recall the U.S. Ambassador to Brazil”
Interview: Mark Zuckerberg
FB: Meta laid off 5% of its poorest performers. How are you determining whether someone is a poor performer?
MZ: We use a broad array of performance metrics to measure employee efficacy. For example, for sales reps we look at attainment versus quota. For finance we look at cost savings.
We are dedicated to ensuring that we do layoffs with humility, transparency and equity. Nobody posting to Instagram in support of my appearance and denying my wandering eye at the inauguration needs to worry about losing their job.
FB: How can you defend increasing executive pay after laying off 5% of your staff?
MZ: Very easily. Have you seen the price of eggs and yachts lately? Our executives are really feeling the pinch. It’s rough out there.
The homeless are becoming more aggressive as they become more addicted to fentanyl. There’s more graffiti on the highways. So we’re taking action by increasing executive pay to help our execs pay for security and graffiti-blocking sunglasses.
FB: But your executives were already handsomely paid. They were earning bonuses up to 75% of base pay and under your new plan they will earn up to 200% of base pay. That seems like terrible optics when you’re also doing layoffs.
MZ: I reject that characterization. Our policy benefits everyone, our shareholders, our executives and even those we’ve recently laid off.
Firstly, higher executive pay reduces the risk of turnover which benefits shareholders are our executives will stay at Meta and innovate for us instead of our competitors.
Secondly, our executives will be more motivated to perform due to higher bonus target and will be better positioned to but secondary homes on Kauai. It’s not fair to them that I have a 1,400 acre compound on Kauai and they don’t. They also need a place to lay low when the revolution starts, go to unplug and relax.
Finally, our policy also benefits those employees that we’ve laid off. As those employees inevitably start small businesses they will need to market to Meta executives. With this new bonus policy, Meta execs will have more money to buy cupcakes, knitwear, speech therapy or whatever laid off Meta employees are selling.
3 things to look for next week
Trump signs an executive order establishing presidential prima nocta
EU announces limit on number of American refugees it will admit
X Æ A-Xii fires Mitch McConnell from the U.S. Senate