Making Colonialism Great Again
and President Trump on Gaza takeover
UK revives British East India Company
The United Kingdom - the economically challenged island nation and answer to the question “what country is personified by Eeyore?” - has announced a bold new plan to boost economic growth.
After the Bank of England cut 2025 economic growth forecasts in half from 0.75% to 1.5%, Chancellor Rachel Reeves took to ChatGPT to find new ways to stimulate the economy.
To her surprise and Nigel Farage’s delight, the chatbot recognized that the UK is now a poor country and recommended reviving the globe-spanning mercantilist British East India Company to improve the UK economy. Inspired by this ChatGPT suggestion, the UK announced a new economic policy.
Since the 2020s are all about colonization, the UK announced a plan to re-colonize India. To the UK’s surprise, this was met with resistance by India. However, India did agree for the UK military to occupy the Indian cities of Birmingham and Leicester.
Despite the close bond between Nigel Farage and Donald Trump, the UK’s attempt colonize US tech firms led by Indians instead failed. Unbowed, the UK has decided to sue Google, Microsoft, Adobe and IBM alleging that all of their patents are actually owned by Great Britain as their CEOs were born to parents who lived under British rule.
In a related and unopposed move, the UK has decided to colonize all of London’s Indian restaurants; a move expected to boost tax revenues by 40%.
Given that the British East India Company was a pioneer of modern trade agreements, ChatGPT recommended that Great Britain pursue free trade agreements with countries that match the UK’s economic heft such as China, United States, Australia, New Zealand, Turks & Caicos Islands, Malta, Maldives, Madagascar and Suriname.
The opposition Liberal Democrat party has argued that reviving the British East India Company is not the best way to boost the UK’s sagging economic fortunes. Instead the Lib Dems recommend selling national assets to boost the public purse.
Assets recommended for sale include Heathrow Airport, Windsor Castle, Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre, David Beckham and Piers Morgan. However, the joke is on the Lib Dems as these assets are already owned by foreigners.
Interview: President Donald J. Trump
FB: You’re proposing that Gazans are sent to Jordan and Egypt so that Gaza can be re-developed as a Middle Eastern Riviera. Are you aware that this amounts to ethnic cleansing?
DT: Well many people have said that ethnic cleansing is good. I know a lot about cleansing. I was baptized in the pool at Mar-a-Lago, and it was the best baptism ever, believe me. I felt so cleansed afterwards. It was tremendous.
In fact, people who buy the God Bless the USA Bible for $60 can get baptized at Mar-a-Lago for just $47,000; discounted from $47,060 if they didn’t buy the God Bless the USA Bible.
FB: Sir, ethnic cleansing has nothing to do with baptism and everything to do with the forced mass expulsion or killing of a particular ethnic group.
DT: Oh so it’s like DEI! Well under my administration we are taking a very strong stance against the insane wokery of the radical left by eliminating DEI initiatives.
The criminal Biden administration adopted illegal and racist DEI policies to discriminate against hard-working Americans and replace them with lazy Americans.
Advancement should be based on merit not racism. When I hired my kids to senior positions in my business and government, I did so because they were eminently qualified.
FB: No - ethnic cleansing isn’t the same as DEI. Ethnic cleansing is killing people because they are a particular ethnic or religious group. It’s considered a crime against humanity.
DT: Well Joe Biden committed many crimes in office and then he pardoned himself and his cronies like the crooked quack doctor, Anthony Fauci. The fake news media never complained when Sleepy Joe was committing crimes. You ask the dumbest questions. I bet you were a DEI hire.
FB: Forcibly removing Palestinians from Gaza is ethnic cleansing which criminal and immoral and will result in mass death.
DT: You’re focusing on the negative aspects of the plan. I prefer to focus on the positive aspects. Gaza will be developed into the crown jewel of the Middle East. We will create so many jobs. And Palestinians will be hired to those jobs in hospitality, retail, construction and so much more.
FB: How much will these jobs pay?
DT: Pay? Who said anything about payment? These will be volunteer positions that Palestinians will be forced to do in exchange for being relocated to Egypt or Jordan.
FB: Sir - you’re describing slavery.
DT: Many people have said that we should have never ended slavery. Our country has become too woke and too weak. But Trump is president now and America is back. We will once again lead with strength. No more woke, no more DEI, and no more 13th amendment.
FB: You’re re-introducing slavery to the United States?
DT: Well actually it never went away. The 13th amendment prohibits slavery except a punishment for crime. Prison labor is still unpaid in this country.
This is most unfair. It benefits those in the for-profit prison industry at the expense of everyone else. Why can’t those of us in the construction industry also benefit from free labor?
FB: Who would be providing this free labor under your plan?
DT: I leave that for Elon to work on. You know he’s a genius. But so am I. After all, the J in Donald J Trump stands for genius.
Elon said he would add me to Mount Rushmore. Right next to Abraham Lincoln so I can keep an eye on that treacherous bastard.
3 things to look for next week
Joe Biden named as Executive Producer on film about destruction of Gaza
Google abandons DEI by changing its multi-colored logo to white text
Clorox named official urinal sponsor for the Super Bowl
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