Los Angeles Clippers move house
and another interview with Kamala Harris
LA Clippers move to a new arena in Inglewood
The Los Angeles Clippers opened the new NBA season in a new home: the Intuit Dome in Inglewood, California. The new high tech arena offers Angelenos novel ways in which to ignore the plight of the Clippers.
Karen Bass, the mayor of Los Angeles, took a victory lap claiming that the Clippers finding a new home helps to solve LA’s homeless problem. “For 25 years, the LA Clippers were residing in the Staples Center shelter. With this bold move, the Clippers have broken free of the shackles of homelessness and into new digs. As Mayor, I’m delighted to see our city take this big leap forward in reducing homelessness”.
Intuit - the technology company partly responsible for the time it takes for you to file your annual tax return - is paying $500 million for naming rights in a 23-year deal. Sadly, by the the time Intuit’s sponsorship is over, the Clippers home will be too old to attract the interest of Leonardo di Caprio.
However, sports business analysts praised Clippers owner Steve Ballmer for choosing Intuit as the stadium’s sponsor noting that the synergies between the Clippers and Intuit brands. Because when it comes to the Clippers, Angelenos aren’t into it.
Ballmer ensured that Intuit Dome is equipped with technology to provide fans an unrivalled experience. For example, Intuit promises fans seamless entrance via facial recognition technology via GameFace ID, which lets fans walk through the arena's Zoom Thrus without having to pull their phones out to scan tickets.
In this way, 24 seconds is not only the duration of the NBA’s shot clock, its also the amount of time before the IRS leverages its relationship with Intuit to use GameFace ID to audit Clipper fans. Interestingly, the Miami Heat want to use GameFace ID to prevent average looking people from entering their arena. This has influenced many Miamians to ask their plastic surgeon for GameFace ID top up, in order to get into the stadium.
As he ruminated on the Clippers first game in the new arena in his courtside personal lounge, Ballmer noted that “the sinks aren't quite as deep as I wanted them to be”, prompting NBA analysts to describe future Clipper playoff runs as “sinks”.
The defining feature of the new arena may be the 51 steep, uninterrupted rows behind one of the goals. Dubbed “The Wall”, this part of the stadium is designed to house the rowdiest fans. Credit for The Wall has been claimed by Donald Trump who said “Nobody wanted to talk about walls before I got into politics. But Steve Ballmer - he’s a nasty guy - built a wall to keep Lebron James out.”
Interview: Kamala Harris
FB: What points would you like to convey to the electorate that you didn’t get to discuss during the CNN Town Hall?
KH: Thank you for asking. So many things. Firstly, America stands with Israel. We also sit with Israel and lie down with Israel. We stretch with Israel and spin too. We eat and drink with Israel. We brush our hair and pick our nose with Israel.
But we also committed to the Palestinian people living with freedom and dignity in a state of their own. And that state is despair. Actually, it’s also depression. So the Palestinians should be thanking us for giving them two states, not just one.
FB: Will you continue to send weapons to Israel?
KH: I am for a ceasefire. And the best way to get to a ceasefire, is to fire all the weapons you have in your arsenal. So, to ensure that this ceasefire has a large impact, we must send Israel more weapons so that they can deploy them all. As John Bolton - who just endorsed me by the way - once said, “the bigger the mushroom cloud, the longer the ceasefire”. And I don’t know about you, but I am not about to argue with a human walrus like John Bolton.
FB: What will you do to curb migration considering that you’re part of the current administration which has failed on immigration?
KH: Two things. Firstly, You may recall me saying on Oprah that “if someone breaks into my house they getting shot”. What I meant wasn’t my own personal house that I own in California. It was our collective, national, American house: the United States of America. We can curb migration by shooting those who seek to invade us and in the process earn the endorsement of the NRA.
Secondly, we must build a wall on the U.S.-Canada border. I promise you that under a Harris administration, we will get the northern border wall built much quicker than the southern border wall was built under Trump.
This will put tens of thousands of people to work and lower unemployment. It will also keep those pesky, peace-loving, maple syrup sucking Canadians out of America so that they can’t influence Americans with the notion of universal healthcare, which is a fad.
By the time the northern and southern border walls are built, America will be recognized as the pre-eminent wall builder in the world. We must then leverage that expertise to build a western border wall with the Pacific Ocean to keep the orcas out and an eastern border wall with the Atlantic Ocean to keep the whales out.
I think that will be enough for the U.S. Coast Guard to endorse me. Can I get an amen?
FB: What will you do to restore Americans’ faith in the Supreme Court
KH: It really bothers me to see Americans’ trust in institutions like the Supreme Court decline. But the good news is that the situation can be turned around.
Under Chief Justice Roberts, SCOTUS has become highly partisan and so I see no alternative but to expand the court. There’s nothing in the constitution about having only 9 justices.
Therefore, I think we can rebalance the court with some moderate liberal additions to the court such as Bret Stephens, Dick Cheney, Paul Ryan and frankly, even Ted Cruz.
3 things to look for next week
Dana Bash praises Trump for remembering Tiffany’s name
Barack Obama has lunch with Trump at the Metropolitan Club
74% Americans agree that inequality is what makes America great