Celtics sold, Heathrow closed
and an interview with UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer
Boston Celtics sold to private equity
The Boston Celtics - the most successful franchise in NBA history - have been sold for $6.1 billion to private equity firm Sixth Street.
The new owners pledge to be responsible custodians of the storied franchise but expect fans to understand how private equity works as they aim to make the Celtics the most profitable team in the NBA.
Sadly this means layoffs, starting with Lucky the Leprechuan who adorns the Celtics’ logo.
In a statement, new owners said that “regrettably these layoffs include Lucky the Leprechaun, the much-loved mascot of the club.
Sadly, it didn’t make sense to keep him on our payroll. He can only open one eye and needs a cane to walk. Also, he won’t stop smoking which harms the health of other Celtics employees.
He’s old, immobile and is better suited to life in one of the many retirement communities that we own.
In recognition of his long service to the Celtics and our fans, we’re pleased to offer him a discounted rate to become resident at Sixth Street Senior Living in Worcester, Massachusetts.”
Layoffs also extend to the Boston Celtics’ cheerleading squad as new PE owners concluded that its cheaper to have robot cheerleaders to bring the franchise into the future and definitely not because robots don’t unionize and demand higher pay.
Heathrow airport shut due to nearby fire
London’s Heathrow Airport, one of the world’s busiest airports, has been shut for 24 hours due to a fire at a nearby electrical substation causing a power outage.
The news was met with dismay by the many British millionaires on one-way flights out of the UK in pursuit of life in a functioning country.
It’s not clear when power will be restored to Heathrow airport, especially since Heathrow is in the UK, a place that power has forsaken.
As UK firefighting capacity has been decimated by Prime Minister Keir Starmer’s austerity agenda, wealthier nations such as Poland and Slovenia have agreed to send their firefighters to London to help contain the raging blaze.
Some in air flights bound for Heathrow have been diverted to other airports such as Gatwick.
Rahim Uddin, a 29-year old Bangladeshi accountant on a Biman Bangladesh Airlines flight from Dhaka to Heathrow was diverted to Birmingham and recounted his experience.
“I was excited to go to London but ended up in this horrific place called Birmingham. I’ve never been in such a dumpy and smelly city. It made Dhaka look like Dubai!
There were rats running all over bags on the luggage carousel. I’m told this is because the city no longer has refuse collection.
When I read the news and I see the U.S. is shutting down the Department of Education I thought nothing could be more stupid.
But I was wrong. Canceling trash collection is far dumber. It’s truly amazing how the sophisticated British accent masks how stupid these people are.
Apparently Birmingham has more rats than people. But maybe having rats take over isn’t the worst thing. It can’t be any worse than the mayor cutting off trash collection.
Normally when I’m told “go back to your country” I view it as an insult, but after one trip to Birmingham, I’ve learnt it can also be a compliment”
Interview: Keir Starmer
FB: What is your government doing to ensure that the Heathrow fire doesn’t happen again?
KS: Well this fire happened due to damaged equipment at substation in North Hyde. Therefore, my government will be working with local authorities to repair stations in Kyiv.
FB: Sir - the fire is in London and you’re talking about Kyiv. That doesn’t make any sense.
KS: Of course it does. Ukrainian infrastructure has been devastated by Putin’s unnecessary and illegal war.
Once we help our allies in Ukraine rebuild their infrastructure we will be in a position to turn our attention to Heathrow.
FB: How long do you think that will take?
KS: Well we have to follow the proper processes which means starting with a white paper and then moving onto a public enquiry, filing for planning permission and then ultimately letting the next government manage the problem.
FB: Reports suggest that the UK is becoming a poor country and your government is focused on cutting welfare which hurts the poorest people.
KS: Exactly - now you’re getting it. We won’t be such a poor country if we have fewer poors!
FB: How can you justify cutting domestic spending and increasing military support to Ukraine at the same time?
KS: We need to get Britain working again. We suffer from the lowest productivity levels in Europe. Our welfare system is holding us back.
With a more productive workforce we can increase economic output and send more weapons to Ukraine which will help speed up a resolution to that conflict.
When the war ends, Russian oligarchs will once again park their money in central London. Think about all the doorman, driver and chefs jobs that will create in our capital city.
FB: You’re a very unpopular Prime Minister. What are you doing to improve your approval ratings?
KS: I don’t govern to be popular. I govern based on the best interests of our country.
That being said, I slid into The Rock’s DMs on Instagram and he’s been kind enough to offer charisma coaching. He called me Charisma-deficit Keir - I imagine that is meant to be a term of endearment.
3 things to look for next week
OECD officially classifies the UK as a developing country
Meghan Markle launches a new line of As Ever plastic bags for pretzels
Prince Harry visa papers reveal he moved to U.S. for economic opportunity
