Amazon doubles down on AI
and Cancun Cruz returns
Amazon CEO Andy Jassy sends employees memo on AI
Amazon CEO Andy Jassy send a company wide memo outlining his thoughts on generative artificial intelligence. Below is an excerpt:
We’re using Generative AI to make customers lives better and easier. And our balance sheet better and stronger because no chatbot ever asked for a raise or a bathroom break.
Speaking of bathroom breaks, AI has helped Amazon to optimize the frequency and duration of bathroom breaks for our truck drivers. I’m proud to share that the below results were generated from Amazon’s proprietary AI tools:
Frequency: 2x daily
Duration: 15 seconds max
AI recommends that pee bottles should be held straight, be made from biodegradable materials and bear the Amazon logo:
To ensure compliance with these guidelines we have asked all delivery drivers to allow us to insert a small chip in their bladder. This will help gather analytics on driver bladder function and help us further optimize our bathroom break guidelines. Only with large data sets can we run regressions and identify the optimal bladder fill rate for urination.
Side note: anyone interested in helping this technology develop can donate money to me. The more donations I receive the more I will be inclined to invest in this technology.
You can see the progress we’ve made with Alexa+, our next generation Alexa personal assistant that's meaningfully smarter, more capable, and is the first personal assistant that can help Trump decide what to do on bombing Iran.
You can see it with our AI shopping assistant that’s being used by millions of Americans to discover the best credit terms for basics since most Americans use buy now pay later for groceries now.
You can see it in an increasing array of shopping features like:
“Lens” (very cool to be able to take a picture of an employee and identify all the people affected by our decision to fire that employee)
“Buy for Me” (where I can ask our shopping agent to buy a Congressman)
Recommended Size (where we can predict the right size of donation needed to buy a Congressman, based on their politics, district and electoral history).
You can see it in Advertising where we’ve built a suite of AI tools that make it easier for The Pentagon to plan, onboard, create and optimize marketing campaigns to manufacture consent for another Middle East war.
We’ve rebuilt our Customer Service Chatbot with GenAI, providing an even better experience than we’d had before. Now you won’t just get customer service from our chatbot, you’ll also get dating advice. And if you’re an incel, you’ll get a flirty girlfriend.
I could go on, but you get the idea.
While we’ve made a lot of progress, we’re still at the relative beginning. What makes this agentic future so compelling for Amazon, is that AI agents will change the scope and speed at which we can innovate for customers. Which means more of your favorite metric and raison d’être for all Amazonians: shareholder value.
Agents will be teammates that we can call on at various stages of our work, and that will get wiser and more helpful with more experience. And the best part is that agents have zero risk of deportation by ICE. Booya!
If we build the right agents, it’ll rapidly accelerate our ability to make customers lives easier and better every day, and it’s going to make our jobs* even more exciting and fun than they are today. *For those of you who will remain employed, which lets be real, will be a small minority of you.
Side note: Since leaning into AI will require a smaller workforce, I recommend that anyone whose job is cut by our pivot to AI find employment in a growing field. I hear ICE is hiring!
I know that the prospect of losing your white collar job is alarming to many of you. But I also know that you’re like me: you’ll sacrifice anything for shareholder value. Besides, any shareholder value created by terminating your employment will benefit you as you’re all Amazon shareholders.
One of the challenges of not having a job in the U.S. is that you lose healthcare. But worry not there are a couple of remedies that we can recommend. Firstly, any terminated employee will get a 5% discount on Amazon’s healthcare products and services.
Secondly, you could try running for Congress because elected officials have the finest healthcare known to man. If you end up being a Congressman bought by Amazon it would represent a new way for Amazon to help you pay your bills!
Alternatively you could try dying. Think about it - nobody who has ever died has ever come back to this world. Which means what’s on the other side must be pretty good!
For those of you who remain employed, I ask that you remain curious AI, educate yourself and get used to getting more done with less.
There's more to come with Generative AI. I'm energized by our progress, excited about our plans ahead, and genuinely curious to see how much worse U.S. inequality* will become once AI takes hold of our economy.
Yours,
Andy
*to fight the corrosive effects of inequality on our country, I’m banning sales of guillotines and Marie Antoinette costumes on Amazon.
Ted Cruz flees to Cancun
In an effort to divert attention from being humiliated in an appearance on The Tucker Carlson Show, U.S. Senator Ted Cruz has fled to Cancun.
Funny Business has obtained an exclusive transcript of Cruz’s conversation with Mexican border official, Miguel Sanchez:
Miguel: What is the purpose of your visit?
Ted: I love Cancun and every time I’m here it becomes a story so I thought I’d help our Mexican friends by generating some buzz for this part of the world.
Miguel: Why now?
Ted: Because Tucker Carlson was mean to me
Miguel: You’re playing the victim, you must be conservative
Ted: Yes I am conservative. I’m a United States Senator, please let me in
Miguel: What’s the population of Mexico?
Ted: I don’t know
Miguel: You’re trying to enter a country and you don’t know its population?
Ted: I don’t sit around trying to memorize population tables
Miguel: Well its kind of relevant because you’re trying to enter my country. I didn’t think a U.S. Senator would be so ignorant.
Ted: Can you please just let me in?
Miguel: How long do you plan to be here for?
Ted: As long as it takes for my Tucker appearance to be out of the news cycle
Miguel: And why did you choose Mexico?
Ted: Growing up in Sunday school I was taught from the Bible that in a crisis to flee to Mexico. Moses fled during a crisis so heck why not good ole Ted too?
Miguel: Where in the Bible does it say that?
Ted: I don’t know the exact scripture reference
Miguel: It’s the book of Exodus. Tell me Senator, do you always flee when times are tough?
Ted: Look I don’t appreciate the snark OK? I’m a U.S. Senator and there’s no reason for you not to let me into your country.
Miguel: Please be patient Mr U.S. Senator. In Mexico we do extreme vetting. What do you plan to do while you are here?
Ted: Take in some sights and relax by the beach.
Miguel: Will you go to the hospital?
Ted: Why would I do that?
Miguel: Because based on your Tucker Carlson interview, you got badly burned
3 things to look for next week
Ted Cruz visits Lloyd’s of London to buy humiliation insurance
UK offers to bomb Iran in a desperate bid to remain relevant
Tucker Carlson informs the IRS that he owns real estate, stocks and Ted Cruz